Monday, February 22, 2010

A fish out of water

That's the way to describe my last week. It was a rough one. Monday's Bible study was on suffering and the leader described her sorrow at losing her mother and then told me she hoped the lesson wasn't too hard for me. The pain came back into my chest, and. stayed. I'm not there yet. I'll get there. I'll get joy back. But not yet. Tuesday's grief share was on losing a child. I'll never get over this just like the parents in the videotape. I'll just learn to move forward. I reconnected with a wonderful Christian friend that moved away some years ago after her daughter was killed in an accident and through email after email we shared but, she is still at a loss and has bad days or weeks, 8 years later. I am moving, ever so slowly, but like her, I'll never get over this. If I did, what value would my son's life have had? I received another email for a well meaning friend that told me everyone has pain and a story and it's what makes us who we are and it's what we do with it that either makes our light shine or makes us bitter. I'm not there yet. And while I know she was trying to help, her loss was 30+ years ago. Mine was less than a year. She could focus on her own grief. Her loss was great but it was her loss. Mine is seeing my husband, my children, and my grandchildren go through this as well.
So the ravelympics project I was going to do? It's been swatched and cast on and one row is done. I couldn't focus on it. Grandchildren have a way of handing you something that needs to be done and the focus is off yourself. I folded their laundry one day when I was over there while their Mommy had a errand to run. Their washcloths for their bath were just pitiful. Horrible. I'm a knitter, I have cotton in my stash, and patterns galore on ravelry. I spent last week knitting some fish-wash cloths. The picture is bad, but the reception was good. They're out of cottontots and they were a free pattern on ravelry. Each took about an hour. I needed something to focus on this weekend after the week. Something that wouldn't let the thoughts dwell and the chest pain stay. What better than a lace shawl knit from silk thread? This is the beginning of the Evenstar KAL. It's a mystery shawl based on the Lord of the Rings. Like the author of the pattern, I chose Blue Moon Silk Thread. What a bugger to knit with! Slippery. I'll see how I fare throughout this KAL but I'm thinking I'm a wool/alpaca/cotton kind of gal. I cast on originally with DPNs and after 6 or 7 tries, used a crochet cast on with magic loop. Thank goodness I know what blocking does to lace. It isn't pretty at this stage but it will be.
It is the mid/end of February and this is what I'm seeing in my backyard! It's cold, clear, and sunny. Tomorrow a normal winter returns, as in rain. But for today, I took a walk with the grandmunchkins and we heard birds chirp, saw flowers, played red light/green light, and reveled in the sunshine.


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